


The Amazing Priapus

by ravensandwritings



Category: SuperMansion (Cartoon)
Genre: Bad Puns, Fluff, Idiots in Love, M/M, body image issues, confidence issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 15:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15342381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravensandwritings/pseuds/ravensandwritings
Summary: Groaner was pretty sure that painting hadn't been here the last time he'd spent the night. He was certain that he would have noticed a giant, floating dick wizard.





	The Amazing Priapus

When Groaner rolled out of bed, pre-dawn light was coming in through the drapery, turning the walls a gleaming royal purple where the light hit. He pulled on his shorts and sneaked across the plush carpet of Saturn's bedroom, down the hall and to the bathroom. A restless sleeper, Groaner needed to get up, drain the vein, wash his hands, get a quick drink of water, and tiptoe back to bed. The team was used to it by now - the game of being smuggled in at night and trying to be quiet while they wrecked a headboard or two was still fun, but they were under no illusions that their relationship was anything but an open secret with the League. 

The light was brighter now as he shut the door to Saturn's room behind him. He covered his eyes as he grabbed the blanket to slide under it, and settle back on the pillows. They could still have an hour of shut eye before the house really got started, and then he could sneak back to the West Side and start his day with a few hours sleep.

Just as he was about to settle his head back on the pillow, he caught something out of the corner of his eye socket. He turned his head more fully, seeing a new painting on the wall. He was pretty sure that painting hadn't been here the last time he'd spent the night. Groaner was certain that he would have noticed a giant, floating dick wizard.

He got back out of bed, and padded over to the wall opposite over Saturn's bed. He looked back over his shoulder at Saturn, asleep -- the very 80's print still hung over Saturn's bed, proclaiming himself both vain as hell and his own biggest fan. The guitar on the wall hadn't moved. Neither had the framed Michael Bolton concert poster. The two musical genres of hard rock and Motown soul flanked the man who loved them both, sleeping peacefully in his bed.

Everything on that side of the room was normal. The two walls connecting to that wall were normal. Shelves were still there. The mexican knock off action figure was in the right place, the clippings and books that held his successes--or what passed for them--were right where they all should be. But what once had been a bare wall now hosted a massive painting of a basically naked man with his dick totally out and a vaguely expectant, sensual expression on his face. He floated among the clouds with his wand in one hand, robe drifting open and airy around him. The robe itself was sheer, inscribed with mystical symbols in silver. His masterfully crafted dong lay against his bare thigh, barely obscured by the diaphanous cloth that wafted over his thighs. One hand was up, a long wand carefully gripped in his fingers. The spell he was casting shot from the tip of the wand in a silvery-white trail of energy. 

This was without a doubt the gayest thing that Groaner had ever seen in his entire life, and he had been fucking a man not two hours ago.

The Dick Wizard, as Groaner was thinking of him, was watching him. That, or the dick was following him when he paced the room trying to figure out how he missed that when they climbed in through the window last night. Maybe, just maybe, he was a little preoccupied with the fact that Saturn had been really busy about getting to the business of getting down. He hadn't had a lot to think about other than the fact that those two rings on his cowl made for great handholds when Saturn was giving head. So maybe he hadn't noticed because he was thoroughly distracted by Saturn's deep throat techniques. Now? He was very much aware of the magical powers of the floating wizard with his magic staff. That wand his hand wasn't shabby either. 

Groaner went back to the bed, sitting on the edge. He was too unnerved to get back under the covers just yet. He couldn't. Saturn was naked except for his cowl, sleeping peacefully. Who knew what magic might be wrought if he got back into bed with his lover under the watchful eye of the wizard who had obviously mastered sex magic? 

"Saturn," Groaner reached over to shake his lover's shoulder. " _Saturn_. Get up."

Groaner's lover mumbled about five more minutes, and rolled over.  He hissed through his teeth, and shook Saturn harder.

"What the fuck dude it is like  _five fucking am_." Saturn really liked his beauty sleep, but Groaner liked not waking up to the-wand-is-my-penis all over the wall.

"I have a really important question, man." Groaner looked at his lover as expectantly as the painting looked at them. "When the hell did you put up the.... the dick wizard?"

Saturn rubbed his eyes, before he sat up, propping himself on the pillow.  "Huh? Oh, the Amazing Priapus? Yeah, the Museum of Leather was totally having a rummage sale, so I totally bought him up. I mean, look at him. He's fuckin' cool, man."

First, Groaner had to wonder why there was a museum of leather, and what exactly they were peddling in a rummage sale.  Obviously, erotic art with some flagrantly gay vibes. Second, he had to wonder, exactly, what had happened to have Saturn go to said sale, decide that was a must-have piece of art, purchase it, and bring it to the mansion and hang it on his wall. You didn't buy art of that size on accident. You didn't fall down and just happen to find art in your pocket. That was art you bought and hung up and dared anyone to say anything about. A statement piece,  as it were.

"When did this happen?" 

"Couple of days ago, when we were fighting The Green River monster in Chicago. You know, national emergency, yadda yadda..." 

"Yeah, I remember. West Side didn't get invited to that." Which was fine. Groaner was counting the days until Devizo gave the word that they were done with the charade... though it had become a very fun charade with certain perks included. That, he wasn't sure how he was going to handle. But right now, it didn't matter. The dick wizard mattered.

"Anyway, I took a day to tool around the place, and of course I heard about the sale, and so I went, and I bought a bunch of stuff."

"A bunch?" Were there more dick wizards to be unboxed? Groaner felt slightly faint at the very idea.

"Oh yeah. Flags, books, art, gear..."

" _Gear?_ " Groaner felt the air whistling between his teeth as he looked at his lover open-mouthed. "You bought gear?"

"Well yeah!" Saturn looked up at him, as if buying leather kink gear from a museum was totally normal. "It's never been used, dude. Display pieces only, though totally functional."

Groaner palmed his face, and put the idea of 'gear' out of his mind. He didn't have the room for it, with the Amazing Priapus' weighty presence still being right there in the room hanging out with them. He took a breath, and then looked up at the painting again. 

Groaner almost asked, 'And you didn't talk to me about this why?' The question brought with it a slew of other questions -- not for Saturn, but for himself. Why would he get a say in what Saturn put anywhere in his room, short of bodily consent being navigated? Why did it bother him that he wasn't consulted? Why had Saturn slid so easily into this new facet of his identity without so much as a swerve as he sped forward into the world of being a man who loved men? Why did that scare him? Should he be scared? Was this so fragile that it could pop like a soap bubble, and take both the happiness and the really great sex with it?

They all started to jumble up, crowding over his tongue, battering his teeth. He ground his molars down on all these troubling questions, before he finally fished a thought up that was safe to blurt. 

"He is  _totally_  freaking me out." It came out in a rush, before Groaner could really stop it. Still, it was better than 'tell me you're not beating off to that.' He switched gears with what he was sure was an audible mental clanking and continued: "Not like, a bad thing. But I really did not expect to see a third dick in this bedroom, dude. I didn't notice him last night."

"If you had, I wasn't doing my job right." Saturn radiated smug self-assurance, taking the suggestion of distraction and attributing it right to his mad bedroom skills. To be fair, Groaner admitted internally that he wasn't wrong. He had absolutely done his job right, pretty much all night long. The man was a quick shot but reloaded like a pro, and what he lacked in immediate stamina he made up in willingness to do  _whatever it took_  to work with the strange constraints that Groaner's altered body put up as obstacles to a really good climax, leading to a preoccupied Groaner who did not in fact see the painting of the third wheel's giant spoke hanging in the room.

"Right, okay. But... why him? Of all the art, why him on the wall? That things like, six feet wide."

"Eight, actually." The size seemed to please Saturn even more. "And four feet tall."

"Seriously, dude." The dimension almost made it worse. "That's a lot of dick wizard. I mean, that's thirty-two square feet of dick wizard, and I'm pretty sure that two of them are  _just dick._ "

"Just... look at him," Saturn said. Groaner did not want to look at him, and kept his gaze on Saturn instead.  "He's just out there, man. Nobody can tell him he can't do his thing. He's out there and man, he gives zero fucks about what anybody thinks about literally anything. He's got the magic, he's got the staff, that is  _totally_  an Elder Wand, you get me? Dude's ripped, happy, and totally knows he's hot."

Groaner settled a little, looking down at his own lap. Pale skinny legs stuck out from his banana-patterned boxer shorts (a visual pun he couldn't turn away) and his skin blended seamlessly with the white background the bananas were littered over. His hands curled together, bright red prosthetic interrupting the paleness of them with a glaring, crimson flaw. He resisted the urge to tuck them into his arm pits and tried to play it off. 

Yeah. The dick wizard totally knows he's hot. Just like Saturn did. It wasn't spank bank fodder, Groaner realized. That shit was  _inspirational._ That was fine,  right? He was, at the very least, still better hung. He was Groaner the White, and his staff was goddamn mighty. As it was real  and not rendered in acrylics.  

"I mean, I guess," he mumbled. "That's cool." 

Saturn looked up at him with that face that hid nothing anymore. Fronts got put up less and less, and while they'd gotten past a lot of crying in bed, Saturn still thrived on being allowed to feel his feelings. Groaner made an effort to not shame him for it, though it'd been a serious adjustment. But he still knew that face: that was a "let's talk about our feelings" face.

Groaner didn't want to talk about his feelings one goddamn bit. He hated feelings talk. Feelings talk was so hard and awkward and it just tore you open. You could only cover it up with so much comedy and cynicism. He was content to let Saturn talk about his feelings and help him process shit, but when it came to his own, Groaner had a shelf in his heart filled with every bottled emotion he ever dared to feel. 

When Saturn opened his mouth, Groaner leaned in quickly for a kiss, tongue flicking out despite the shared morning breath. Saturn made a little noise of pleasure, and then let it pass. The kiss didn't make him pause -- just change tactic. He was ripped, and Groaner was not. Pulling Groaner back into bed was as easy as picking up a child. 

"Hey!" Just like that, Groaner was tucked in bed and had Saturn's bare skin pressed up against him,  broad chest right there to lean on. 

"C'mere," Saturn said, before he cuddled up to Groaner. The clown tried to get comfortable, gaze still elsewhere. "This totally bothers you, man. I mean, I can take him down." 

"No, no, man. This is your space," Groaner put up his hands, waving them in little arcs. "I don't get a say in your room, dude. I don't-- I don't live here."

"Dude you have a drawer here and they stopped throwing out your tooth brush weeks ago." 

Saturn had a point, but it still wasn't the entire problem. There were problems that totally  _related_  to that problem, but they were unpacking the giant-ass dong in the room, not the problems of lying or cynicism or how they all related to Priapus' Ace of Staves. 

Saturn was warm and comforting and he was waiting for an honest answer. Groaner had made it a policy to lie to him as little as possible. Not outright untruth, and certainly not about improtant things. It wasn't cool to lie. Well, unless you were lying about the fact that you knew Dr. Devizo had some stupid plan to fuck up the world and you were totally ready to go along with it because heroism was for chumps and you were not a chump, no sir. 

"You know you're my best friend, right?" Groaner pressed on, focusing on the unvarnished truth. "We have saved each other's lives, my guy."

"Well, yeah."

"The bromance is beyond epic."

"It's fucking  _legendary._ " 

"Sex is amazing."

"I have zero complaints."

"But you are out here being a frat guy and I'm the nebbish asshole in the back,  man. This shit's killing me."

"What the fuck?" Saturn sat up a little more, and Groaner tried to corral his thoughts. He wanted very specific thoughts, thoughts that he could vocalize so they gave Saturn exactly enough information to satisfy him and but not enough to make Groaner more vulnerable than he already was. The cynic in him said it was already too late. The idealist in him was dead and buried out behind the shed, and had no opinion on the matter whatsoever.

"You know what we said at the party? About what we look for?" 

Saturn nodded. "Yeah." 

"Hot, thin, funny redheads for you."

Saturn grinned, attempting to be sly and mostly being corny. "Which I have totally bagged."

"Yeah, you sure have." Groaner would have smiled for him if he could have. "And here I am with my dangerous, confident man... and you're  _not_  faking it."

Saturn made a little querulous noise. "Uh?" 

"I mean, you like what you're not, don't you?" 

"Yeah."

"You like twiggy comedians, why?" 

"Because you can land all the lines, man. You know what to say and it's funny."

Groaner ignored that Saturn was literally the only one who thought that, and pushed onward. "And I like people who can fake it until they make it.  And even better, those who have that confidence cause they've made it. And you? You have  _made it_ where your dickplay is concerned." 

"I don't understand."

Groaner finally looked up at the wizard with his benign but certainly DTF gaze, and gestured to the whole, massive picture of levitating masculinity. "You don't  _need_  that, cause you already  _got it._ You don't have to prove you're a dick wizard, but you put one right up there announcing you are."

"What are you saying?"

"I  _wish_  I had that confidence. I mean, my dick game is strong even if I've been a little out of practice, but... I am not that dude."

Saturn shifted their weight, and looked down at Groaner. He'd never flinched from the bony face, the empty sockets. He reached out for the hand he'd maimed, laying his own over that. "Man, you have no idea how lucky I am, do you?"

"Come again?" 

"Later."

"I knew you'd follow that one up." He would have cracked a grin if he could, but he knew the lift of his brows and the tilt of his head would get his pleasure across just fine. "Good boy."

"You've just got me well trained!" Saturn still held his hand.  "But seriously, dude. I saw how you got play at the Halloween party. That Viking was totally gonna let you--" 

"--send over a boarding party I swear to  _God_  if you make a fish reference I'll get up and go home right now."

Saturn just laughed, and some of the tension broke. Groaner felt better when he laughed -- it was gruff but heartfelt. He didn't fake it at all. It was nice, not to be fake. "Yeah, you got it. She liked you. Not because you were roaming the floor in a ten thousand dollar costume with biceps as thick as her thighs, but because she  _liked you_. You won her over with pure charisma, dude. She fucking had her tongue in your mouth at the fucking drink station."

"There was alcohol involved," Groaner pointed out.

"Yeah, you were drinking too. Don't sell it short. People actually like you for you." Saturn thought and then amended it. "People that aren't totally knobs, anyway."

Groaners brows furrowed over his round red nose. Well, okay, he had a point. Sure it'd been a rough start but she'd come back around and they'd had a good time at the party. Ms Viking had left him holding the bag when it came to makeouts, but...  it had worked out in the end. 

"You don't need a dick wizard, my man." Saturn waved a hand toward the aforementioned wizard, as if he would be banished posthaste. "You  _are_  already a dick wizard. I mean, seriously. And that trick with the o-ring for returning the BJs was super clever."

"I didn't want to hurt you, dumbass." 

"Still, you thought of it. Was a great birthday present, man." 

"And meant a lot less teeth on your cock."

"Yeah, seriously. I appreciated the effort and ingenuity!" Saturn was smiling, but he was turning a touch more sober as he looked up at the painting. "I like that painting, right? 'cause... man he's got it all, just like  _you do._ You know yourself, Groaner, inside and out. I mean I'm fantastic and shit, don't get me wrong, but this is a thing you totally have over me."

For a moment they just looked at each other, and Groaner thought about everything they'd just set. The jokes made, the feeling lying underneath. They both had their baggage, God knew, but... Wasn't that the point of being with someone? You strove to be your best selves, right? Most people looked to their parents to learn what to do, but Saturn couldn't do that, and neither could Groaner, really. They'd have to build 'better' with their own two hands, maimed or not.

"Guess we're both lucky, then. C'mere, you." Saturn blinked once, before Groaner pulled him down for thorough kissing, morning breath and sleepy stickiness ignored. They enjoyed it for a while, before Saturn was nibbling on his shoulder and moving his hand south. 

"Bit early, isn't it?"

"Early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. I gotta be at least two of those, right?" Saturn propped himself up again, getting far more handsy. "Besides, bananas are a  _great_  breakfast food."

"I'm sure the  _a-peel_  of mine goes beyond breakfast." 

"Don't you know it."

Groaner didn't really need to talk for a while. His peeling went pace, and the slow work of getting up in the morning began. He forgot all about the watchful eyes of the dick wizard on the wall, and instead watched Saturn's morning routine take a new, enjoyable twist.  Groaner was happy that Saturn could be his gym spotter, ducking under the covers to help lift some weight... Those rings were  _really_ great handholds, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Seiberwing for basically co-writing this and encouraging me to put it out there, as this is basically theirs too. And yes, the Chicago Museum of Leather is a real thing, and they really had a rummage sale, and this painting actually exists there! (They didn't, to my knowledge, actually sell it.)


End file.
